Updated: Mar 24, 2020
Telling my truths to cure the lies
A lot of my friends are in love and happy.
I watch them from afar, revel in their love energy.
Though I don't envy what they have, I desire similar love for myself. With the recent passing of my stepdad, I began to deep dive into my relationship with men. Recalling our interactions, what's prevalent is he consistently chose me. No matter if I fucked up or caused some disappointment, that decision never wavered. Not one thought to throw me away, give me up or disown me.
Such a rare quality these days.
It made me rethink the meaning of "tough love" because his love wasn't tough at all.
Unless those lectures were the tough part.
I allowed myself to go deeper down the rabbit hole, I wondered if another man could ever love me the same. Could I connect with a romantic partner who'd always choose me if shit got thick or felt our relationship became lackluster? Would he still believe me to be the woman he rose in love with? Would he recognize his mistakes (because my stepfather did) and be accountable? Would I always be the sole blame in conflict? Would he use that to make our relationship one-sided?
Would the onus always be on me to manage his and my energy?
Would he be susceptible to critique and expect no one else to be?
My past and current relationships helped me better understand my needs and while it's great to have a provider, there's an emotional component to be met. I no longer subscribe to the "men aren't emotional" argument cause I've seen plenty be that and not in the most productive way. And sure, we're both scared. Women are just as scared to be vulnerable as men are but no one wins if we're both hiding, masking our feelings, and creating facades to cover the truth.
Trust me, I tried.
What I can say is my stepdad gave me an amazing example of how a man can be. His possibilities and how he expresses the innate potential hidden within. Dare I say, my stepfather epitomized Divine Masculine energy and walked in it freely. And though no man is without fault, his love for those he loved outweighed the minute idiosyncrasies all of us have as souls living in human bodies having a human experience.
I'll watch from the shadows and live vicariously through my friends and others, secretly desiring love in her healthiest form. Confident the person for me wants me just as much as I want them. Sure he'll choose me because he believes I am enough and my moments of "too much" only add to the flavor; not minimize how he sees me.
I'm hopeful when he does arrive, he won't throw me away at the smallest tiff or the first chance he gets. He'll be accountable for we, make time and respect my space, as I will respect his.
We'll be excited for each other equally and I understand he may not show love the same as I, but he'll give it with the same energy and intention. Pour into me, just as I pour into him.
And of course, I haven't said much of this aloud but maybe he'll hear me and know he's welcome just as much as I am ready.
Signed, Your resident Scorpio Moon