Whether we realize it or not, a lot of our sex is centered around transaction--give to receive. And while there's nothing wrong with being available for both in sex, transactional sex creates this stoic regimen with little to no room for flexibility or creativity.
Much like foreplay...
get hot and heavy
hands move to sacral parts
sacral parts get a little moist
might be some cunnilingus
then sing tunes
until the climax is met
Might be a round two, but probably not.
Structure in sex is whack.
If we're too busy following the blueprint, where's the part when you realize my nipples are an erogenous zone and you work that until I cum? What happens when I reach a point on your body in the midst of oral and give it a small amount of attention, removing the opportunity to intensify the moment? There is no sexual blueprint and don't let these gurus outchere tell you different. Sex between you and your partner should not look the same at every encounter.
Sex is not monotonous.
It's creative energy and if your creative energy has monotony, take a step back and assess why.
I recommend starting with yourself.
While I've been sheltered in place, I've had ample opportunity to reconnect with my body. Understand what makes me tick and what's a hard stop. I love music during my solo sessions coupled with a good fragrant aphrodisiac and some mood lighting if I'm having an evening session.
Ambiance is key for me.
I like to believe those who go in for the quick nut and use the same moves on every person, don't particularly care about their partner. The interest in fucking you, merely gratuitous. And honestly, that's cool. Everyone doesn't deserve your deep intimacy. Some are just a fuck, but what's important is you know that up front to avoid disappointment and feeling lackluster in your sexual encounter.
Don't be afraid to ask questions before you just "enjoy the moment" cause that might not be your moment with that person.
Save your pussy points.
In the meantime, reconnect with yourself.
Create an experience of how you'd want, whether or not you have a partner.
Our needs and wants change frequently.
If you're a bit "seasoned," your 20-year-old self isn't going to want the same thing as your 30, 40, or 50-year-old self. Trust me, I know. And while you're probably embracing some of the shit you're 20-year-old self was afraid to do back then, be gentle. Don't expect to immediately deep dive in those waters or adapt like you've been swimming in them for years.
You haven't. No one is expecting you to be an expert but you and outwardly projecting those insecurities is what proves you right, no one else.
Ways to begin this journey is to connect with like minds. While social media has its downside, so many people have connected with various communities of interest. I would check with Twitter or Instagram first, then see if there are Facebook groups and other offline communities you can really dig into. Journaling is key because it allows you to document and recognize your growth, as well as release any excess emotions clouding the path on your journey. Books are also a great way to discover more about who you are in sex and understand some of the limited think you may be experiencing. Pussy Prayers by Black Girl Bliss is my all-time favorite. I currently have The Spirit of Intimacy by Sobonfu Some in queue. Additionally, Dr. Shemeka Thorpe has a list of recommended books about Black sexuality, feminism, and pleasure. all-time
Reconciling your relationship is not an easy task. When you look back on what you allowed, what you dismissed, and how much time you may have wasted, it's easy to become despondent and get discouraged; however, I'm certain doing the work has great reward. I'm seeing it for myself. And no, this journey isn't all wrapped in despair and hard times. There are a plethora of "aha" moments where you deepen the understanding of yourself, needs, and desires. Things begin to make sense and rebuilding the foundation of pleasure, eroticism, and your sexual lens feel good and rejuvenating.
You uncover where your joy truly lies and come to understand, nothing about this experience is linear. That pleasure is a spectrum, along with sex and sexuality, and even the erotic. Fear of your most hidden secrets is no longer a factor and you become empowered by every iteration of you.
Spend some time fucking yourself.
Getting to know what your body craves, what your soul craves is the key to unlocking all the hidden mysteries about you and your sexual experience.
You've got this.